#99: Pat O’Brien’s Dirty Voicemails

Poor Pat O’Brien. Car accidents, overdoses, violent standoffs with police — these are more-than-acceptable reasons for a lifelong drug addict to finally seek professional help. But the release of pornographic voicemail messages? That’s awfully hard to glamorize.

The host of TV’s The Insider and long-time sports commentator was once associated with awkward attempts at being hip (remember Diddy’s “Bad Boy For Life” video?), but thanks to some unfortunate drunk dialing in 2005, Pat will go down in history as the guy who wanted to “go f*cking crazy,” inviting his anonymous crush to join him and “Betsy” for a sex romp described so bluntly that “Get another woman up, hire a hooker. Let’s get crazy, get some coke” is the kid-friendly part.

Pat followed his rehab stint with a Dr. Phil primetime special, but the self-help guru’s advice wasn’t enough to keep him from heading back less than three years later. Though the mockery of his sexploits continues (“I am so f*cking into you. You have to pay attention to Betsy, but let’s have fun!”), Pat’s career hasn’t taken too much of a hit. He’s still hosting The Insider and recently announced plans to marry his girlfriend of five years…Betsy. The couple that goes f*cking crazy together stays together!

Nowadays the Rolling Stones look like something out of The Nightmare Before Christmas. In 1967, though, the “Gimme Shelter” rockers were Public Enemy No. One, thanks to their affinity for sex and drugs. It was only a matter of time before the cops came knocking.

Following a tip-off from the tabloid press, 20 police officers raided Keith Richards’ Redlands estate in England. Richards and Mick Jagger were charged with possession of LSD and other narcotics, but the raid became legendary for a candy bar involving singer Marianne Faithful. Cops on the scene swore they interrupted Jagger eating a Mars Bar wedged into his girlfriend’s holiest of holies before hauling him away for possession.

“A cop’s idea of what people do on acid!” sniffed Faithfull, denying all in her autobiography. Even so, the story remains one of rock’s most celebrated myths. [Charles Bottomley]

Mick Jagger & Marianne Faithfull [Central Press/Hulton Archive/Getty Images]

Mick Jagger & Marianne Faithfull [Evening Standard/Getty Images]

Marianne Faithfull & Mick Jagger [Hulton Archive/Getty Images]

Mick Jagger & Marianne Faithfull [William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images]

Karrine “Superhead” Steffans doesn’t just shake her booty in your favorite rap videos. She’s also slept with most of your favorite rap stars. The list includes Lil’ Wayne, Method Man and even a few ringers like Shaquille O’Neal and Bill Maher. And her acrobatic tongue eventually earned her the nickname “Superhead.”

Steffans blew the lid off her love life in the memoir Confessions of a Video Vixen, which landed on bestseller lists in 2005. The pneumatic 25-year-old told of breathless encounters with DMX, P. Diddy, Jay-Z, Xzibit, Dr. Dre, Ice T, Usher, Bobby Brown and Vin Diesel during her years in Hollywood. Breathless, that is, until the morning after, when Steffans would discover that she was left with more crabs than self-respect.

In the sequel, The Vixen Diaries, Steffans was at it again, alleging that ex Darius Morgan cheated on her with Tyson Beckford. In his own tell-all published in 2008, Bobby Brown downplayed Steffans’ contributions to literature. “I’ve spent several nights at her house,” he wrote. “But she was only good for what her nickname stood for.” [Charles Bottomley]

As the first NBA player drafted right out of high school, Kobe Bryant was living the epitome of a perfect life — Prom with Brandy! Hot teenage wife! $40 million a year in pay and endorsements! — when he suddenly and stupidly f*cked up all his fame and fortune in an instant. On July 18, 2003, while in Colorado for surgery, Kobe banged a 19-year-old former cheerleader working at his hotel. Shortly after the incident she came forward and charged the Lakers star with sexual assault, throwing a wrench into his perfect world.

Bryant admitted to the adultery, and — in the most pathetic and pricey attempt at an apology ever — bought his wife a $4 million 8-carat diamond ring so she could wear his shame on her finger. Everything from the victim’s semen-stained panties to Kobe’s kinky fetishes (such as grabbing the victim’s neck while penetrating her from behind, then asking permission to ejaculate on her face) was fair game in the trial. But the baller denied the charges of assault, and the case was dropped when the victim refused to testify. She later brought a civil suit against Kobe, which was “resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.” In other words, she got some cash ya’ll!

As the scandal dust settled, Kobe’s star rose again thanks to his MVP status and his feud with ex-pal Shaquille O’Neal — and, of course, that massive diamond ring.

In October of 2004, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reilly was sued for sexual harassment by Fox News producer Andrea Mackris. According to Mackris and her attorneys, O’Reilly’s abusive conduct included talk of vibrators, phone sex, a ménage a trois, the size of “not-so-little-Bill,” vivid sexual fantasies involving hot falafel-on-vagina action, and how the guy that runs Fox News was going to have Al Franken assassinated.

According to the lawsuit, on at least one occasion, O’Reilly used the vibrator on himself while on the phone with Mackris. It doesn’t say how exactly he used the vibrator on himself, but putting it in his butt and/or fellating it are not explicitly ruled out in the filing.

Much of the abuse detailed in the lawsuit allegedly happened after Mackris returned to Fox News after a brief stint at CNN. Mackris and her attorney never admitted to having taped any of these conversations, but based on the detail contained in the lawsuit, Fox most likely believed O’Reilly had been caught in the act. It’s doubtful that the following passage where O’Reilly gets a loufa confused with a falafel could have been made up:

“So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda’ kissing your neck from behind … and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I’d put it on your p*ssy but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business…”

O’Reilly eventually settled out of court, agreeing to drop his own extortion suit (which was actually filed first) against Mackris and her attorneys. O’Reilly never admitted guilt and never apologized.

On May 2, 1997 Sheriff’s deputies in West Hollywood pulled over a Land Cruiser driven by Eddie Murphy after they observed a known pre-op transsexual prostitute get inside. In case you’re wondering “pre-op transsexual” is the fancy medical term they use for “chicks with dicks.”

The incident occurred at 4:45 AM near the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. and Formosa Ave., an area popular with homosexual prostitutes and their johns, but Eddie tried to explain it all away with some story about insomnia and a desire to help streetwalkers. Having trouble sleeping, he drove to a newsstand to get something to read (later confirmed) before picking up a “Hawaiian-looking woman” and offering her a ride home.

The “woman,” Atisone Seuli, 20, told a slightly different story.  Murphy, she said, offered her $200, confirmed she was a transsexual, and inquired about lingerie modeling and what kind of sex she liked.  As it turns out, Eddie’s wife and kids were out of town at the time.

Seuli was arrested for outstanding warrants, but Murphy was released after cops determined he’d done nothing illegal. Soon enough though, other transvestites materialized claiming to have had relations with Murphy, including one named Diamond who appeared on the Howard Stern show.

Ironically, Murphy was in town filming Dr. Doolittle, which co-starred Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens, but unlike Reubens who had his own brush with the vice cops, Murphy’s career continued unabated. Since Dr. Doolittle, Murphy has appeared in over 20 films, and has even been nominated for an Oscar.

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By the mid-1990s, Hugh Grant had weaseled his way into our hearts, thanks to his bumbling courtship of Andie MacDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Throw bombshell girlfriend Liz Hurley into the mix, and Hugh had it all. Imagine the shock when he stopped stammering long enough to be arrested in the company of Hollywood sex worker Divine Brown in June 1995. She was polishing Mr. Grant’s knob at the time. Overnight, he went from Hugh Star to Lewd Grant–but his Oxford education didn’t go to waste.

Grant went on Jay Leno to tell all. “I think you know in life what’s a good thing to do and what’s a bad thing, and I did a bad thing,” he said. “And there you have it.” Hugh also served up mea-culpa on Larry King. “I don’t have excuses,” he shrugged. The PR offensive worked. Fans held up billboards reading, “I would have paid you, Hugh.”

Still reeling from the incident, Grant and Hurley split up five years later. Grant’s career hasn’t been the same since, and he still cries himself to sleep thinking about films like About a Boy, Love Actually, and Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Watch Hugh Grant sing:

[Charles Bottomley]

Before the early 1970s, pornography was a strictly underground taboo, but the revolutionary adult film Deep Throat broke the mold, sending erotica from “smut” to “porno chic” almost overnight.

In 1972, the World Adult Theater in New York’s Times Square premiered the monumental film, which tells the story of a sexually frustrated woman, played by Linda Lovelace, who goes to the doctor only to learn that her clitoris is located in the back of her throat. Thankfully there is a very simple remedy, which the doctor and a variety of other men happily demonstrate. Director Gerard Damiano set his film apart from other pornos by including an actual storyline, superior cinematography, and witty dialogue–like a recipient of oral sex asking, “Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?” The movie even garnered a favorable review in Variety.

An NYC judge ruled that the film was “indisputably obscene by any measure,” and Deep Throat was banned in 23 states. After a lengthy, costly legal battle, lead actor Harry Reems and 11 others involved in the film were convicted of conspiracy to distribute obscenity across state lines. (In the years to follow, Reems’s career hit the rocks and he fell into alcohol and drug abuse.)

But the government proved to be Deep Throat’s best publicist. The controversy surrounding the flick pushed its worldwide gross into the stratosphere, with some estimates reaching $600 million.

Not even Batman or Spidey can touch Lovelace!

Ah, the joys of minor league stardom. For Bob Crane, his six-season sentence making the world laugh at Nazis in Hogan’s Heroes brought him just that. The dedicated sex addict lived a life full of barflies with rug-burned knees and sheets crusted with dried jizz.

When his friend John Carpenter (no relation to the Halloween director) got him a prehistoric video camera, he started filming his sexcapades–many of them co-starring his techie pal. The orgy came to a premature end in 1978, when Bob was found bludgeoned to death in an Arizona hotel. Carpenter was the prime suspect, but DNA tests on the blood found in his car were inconclusive.

The 2002 film Auto Focus revived Crane’s notoriety, portraying him as a churchgoing family man who ends up screwing his brains out. The Cranes were disgusted. “My father had been having extramarital affairs and photographing hundreds of nude women engaged in sexual activity since the 1940s…He was an overly sexual person from an early age,” protested son Scotty–who, to prove it, posted prehistoric porn loops featuring Pop on the Web. Even his father might agree that some things are better left behind closed doors.

Watch Bob perform “These Boots Were Made for Walkin’”–on the drums!:

[Charles Bottomley]

Few black musicians have been as influential as Chuck Berry, whose guitar-slinging in the ’50s inspired countless rockers, and whose razor-sharp lyrics made him the Jay-Z of his day. With classics like “Johnny B. Goode” and “School Days,” Chuck didn’t invent rock ‘n’ roll, but he did give it a brain to go with its balls. For his pains, the duck walker has endured near-constant hassle from The Man.

In 1990, Chuck was able to add “pervert” after “rock legend” and “tax evader” on his résumé. He was sued by several female customers of his St. Louis restaurant, who claimed there was a video-camera setup in the ladies’ bathrooms. Berry shut them up with a $1.2 mil payout. No idea what he did with the tapes. But we can presume that, like the guitar in his “Johnny B. Goode” hit, it involved ringing something like a bell.

Watch Chuck in his prime performing “Johnny B. Goode”:

[Charles Bottomley]